Today has just been one of those days.

I start out pretty well and then I am completely deflated by the time I am ready for bed or before then.

I really can't even tell you much about what I've done today.

Tori had piano. I got potatoes for tomorrow's breakfast. I put gas in the van.

I went for a long walk. I walked from home to Winchester Park on the Jordan Riverwalk.

I even took some pics...

I actually sat a picnic table and edited the first one. I like how it came out.

I liked how the shadow of the bridge plays on the walkway.

I ought to start walking a few times a week. I made it to Winchester Park, but I really wanted to make it all the way to Millrace. Next time? Perhaps.

I turned around because I was concerned about how long I had been away from home. 

I really want to get a bike. Since I can't decide between a mountain bike or a street bike, Sarah suggested I look into getting a hybrid.  

Definitely sounds like a plan to me.

Today I uploaded a bunch of old family pics and pics of me that Dad gave me while I was down in Texas.

I got lots of cute baby pics in the mix. I was a pretty cute kid. I was a pretty cute teen. I was a pretty cute young adult. So, how did I get where I am now?

Maybe I am still cute, but I don't feel as pretty as I used to.

That probably sounds preposterous, right?

It probably is, but it is really how I feel. 

I feel like how I felt when Cary decided he wanted a divorce. 

I went to see my friend, Michelle, who was also the wife of Cary's best friend. I was pretty broken up about things and my first response was to think that since Cary didn't want me anymore: who would?

Michelle stopped me in my tracks and said, "Vicki, do you not see the way men look at you when we go out places together?'

I was completely dumbfounded and unsure...and then I went to the grocery store to pick up ice cream for our dessert.  

For the first time I actually saw how a man looked at me. 

I was in shock because I felt fat and homely. 

I felt like I must be defective for the great love of my life to not be in love with me anymore. 

His solution was to throw money at me, as if I wanted anything other than our marriage! 

I did a crazy thing. I married the first man I fell in love with. 

Apparently he was absolutely determined he was going to marry me. I never knew. I just knew I wanted him more than anything I had ever wanted in my entire life.

I was in shock when he finally asked me out for the first time. 

He'd been coming around the store for months on end. 

I figured he was just having a lot of car trouble. 

It turned out his 68 Ford LTD has a new engine, new upholstery, and a new paint job.

Eventually it went restomod with custom laptop programmable fuel injection, but that is another story.

The truth was he'd been collaborating with one of my co-worker to get my schedule. He'd come on days when I was supposed to be there and leave if he didn't see me. 

Trust me, no one ever paid me that much attention in my life!! (Sure, I heard more than my fair share of crude remarks about my appearance...but when a guy is such a jerk that you could never take him seriously...well, it just doesn't count!)

He was sweet, funny, and kind so he actually didn't get shown the door like most men who tried to ask me out while I was at work.

I made it a rule to not date customers. 

It made lots of sense after the last guy I had dated. 

I met him when I was working at the zoo in the gift shop kiosks. 

He came up with his mom and dad to see what things we had for sale...and later he came back by alone and asked me out. 

Let's just say that one hurt a lot. 

Anyway, after that experience I decided it was just bad karma to date customers. And honestly, who could blame me?

So where was I? Oh yes. Waxing nostalgic about the past I think.

It took me a long time to heal from my marriage because I was absolutely shattered to the core.

The plan was to finish school at the U of U, but life has a funny way of making unexpected things happen. I went to Utah earlier than anticipated because Leslie's ex was willing to help me make my first cross country drive by myself. 

I got a job and a life...then I started getting really, really sick.

Even though I had tuition paid for, I ended up too sick to go to school.

I ended up getting both corneas completely resurfaced by hand and with a fusion between C5 and C6.

I moved to Arizona while on a year long sabbatical from my job at IRS. I had surgery and then quit my job.

I didn't want to go back because I had met Matt. 

It has always struck me as ironic how I had to get so sick that I left my job and moved to another state just so I could meet Matt.

Sometimes when we are exceptionally stubborn, the Lord has to make us very uncomfortable to get us where He wants us. 

I guess this is where I am going to end it tonight. 

Frankly, I am surprised that I am even writing this, but it is what came out once I started typing.

I guess the glue that holds this together is that these days I feel as unlovable and ugly as I did when Cary decided he wanted a divorce.

I know this isn't something that Matt has done intentionally. In fact, I am pretty sure this is the result of neurological changes which happened when he had that small stroke. 

I miss Matt being the man I married. He was kind and attentive. He was thoughtful and honest. 

He went out of his way to see to my happiness.

At this point he just doesn't see or think of me like he used to. 

He gets so caught up in all the things he wants to do that it is like he doesn't see me. 

The only time he calls me cute or praises me seems to happen when I ask for it. Ironically, he wasn't like this a little over a year ago.

Now I feel like an afterthought and unattractive. He's not even responsive to me anymore. 

I've tried talking to him about it, but he just gets defensive. I've talked to Sarah about it and we are going to try to arrange some sessions with both Matt and I. 

Basically, my marriage feels more like a platonic friendship where we just happen to be raising children together than happily ever after.

I never knew being married could feel this alone. 

Hopefully Sarah and Marissa will get those joint sessions set up for us pretty quickly. 

I don't know that this is something Matt has the capacity to change. As Sarah put it, if he could he would've already.

Matt is a wonderful man and I do love him, but things have changed in ways which are very hard for me to cope with.

I'm far from being a needy woman, but I do like petting every so often. 

I need praise. I need to know I am doing a good job as a wife and a mother. I need to know he thinks I am attractive still. I need to hear how he feels about me without me having to drag it out of him.

It doesn't have to be as frequent as it was in my first marriage, but I feel like an ugly scullery maid who is trying to juggle everything and hold her world together but failing miserably. 

I talked to Matt about the joint sessions and why a while back. He agrees we need them. He doesn't know what to do about this and neither do I. 

I keep trying harder, but everything seems to stay just exactly the same. I'm the last priority on the list. 

I guess I finally put how I feel in black and white text.

I pray constantly all day long for wisdom, understanding, guidance, and anything else the Lord knows I need. 

I'm definitely not Molly, but life has been really hard for quite a while now.

Maybe I can release these feelings now that I have written about them.