I said who do you luuuuu-ooooh-oave?
Usually this song brings back memories of William Jackson at age 2 and Mischa as an infant. William is no longer that little blonde haired boy singing and dancing for me...and his wife probably would be shocked to hear me to tell stories about this about her marine.
Mischa, well, I hope I am spelling your nickname right since you changed your name. Back then you were just a babe in arms. William's dance marathons usually happened after I put you to sleep singing Andrew Lloyd Webber songs and various arias. You both loved your music. I'm surprised his never woke you up after your bottles, but that was another story.
Today the song has a new context, but the meaning is still the same. It is still about growth and exploration. It is about learning who someone is for themselves. Today it is about the Mouse.
Lately she has wanted to take showers and baths with me. We wear bathing suits so I can be in there with her. I have to admit that at first I was reluctant because I have bronchitis and my asthma is acting up fiercely but it has been good for her. She is starting to remember things from her past.
The first time she was having a hard time rinsing out all the shampoo in her hair so I offered to help her. I had her lay with her back on my chest, like a mother holds a newborn in the tub, while I gently used the water to push the bubbles out of her hair. It was so simple, pain-free and easy that she asked me to do it again. I remarked that it must have been a long time since she could trust someone to help her like this. She agreed with me. I commented that they must have washed her in a baby bathtub instead of like this as a baby.
Mouse said "no." She said she remembered a woman with purple hair washing her like this when she was little. She said her hair wasn't just purple. She said it had other colors too.
Next she started telling me about a woman who who used to have her hold onto her knees in the bathtub and kick. Mouse was very tiny, but the woman was trying to teach her to swim.
Mouse said she remembers that she liked the woman. She remembers the woman would also turn her the other way between her knees and have her hold on to her knees. She would hold Mouse's little nose and have her go under the water. Mouse felt safe. She told me she loved the water and she loved her baths. She really liked the woman, even though she doesn't know who she is...if she was a mommy.
Mouse said she always loved her baths. This was a total disparity from what I know to be true about her. Until Mouse came to my house, she never took a bath. She was afraid of the bathtub. In fact, she had reported that a woman/mommy tried to drown her. She was terrified of the bathtub.
Every time Mouse has ever talked about the event, the story has pretty much been the same. The woman tries to drown her in the tub, leaves her in the tub, then calls the daddy/husband and tells him she does not want to be Mouse's mommy anymore.
I reminded Mouse that she hated the bathtub when she came to my house. At first she denied it, but when I reminded her that the prior family said she told them someone tried to hurt her in a bathtub she remembered. This time she remembered more details.
This time she remembered after the event who she and her siblings went to live with. She gave me names. She said they were nice, but their faces were covered with "pimples." I don't this was a CPS removal. I don't think this was her first foster family, which she has no recollection of either.
I don't think there is any record of this event in her CPS file otherwise I would have been told about it already because they previous family was aware of the event in Mouse's memory.
Matt and I helped Mouse overcome this fear when we taught her how to swim underwater in the Show Low and Snowflake swimming pools. She saw me swimming underwater and was determined that I needed to teach her. It took a while, but eventually she started telling she wanted to try to take a bath because she didn't think she was afraid anymore. At first she had me stay with her so she felt safe. She's never looked back.
She's lost of a lot of her memory, but since we had that talk it seems that more of it is coming back. She remembers more of some things than it seems like a child of three should be able to recall.
Tomorrow, we are going to spend twenty minutes of her session affixing the timeline of her life for her because she has already forgotten so much.
At her last CFT, her therapist mentioned that Mouse sees nothing good to say about her last family. Matt agrees. She sees good things about some things they did together, but nothing good about the people personally. I do not agree with their choices, but I can see good in them. I believe they tried their best with her and I am very grateful they were willing to see that they could not parent her the way she needed. Honestly, their failure was a blessing in my life.
They have done so many things which I disagree with, but this is part of the journey which led Mouse home to us. At this point they have permanently separated the three children and everyone is unhappy with this. I believe this was their intention all along and that the previous family lied to a lot of people about this, especially the children.
As a parent, I hurt for Mouse's loss. As a parent, I know that Mouse's real concern is the children are not being cared for since she is no longer there to do it. Mouse needs to be a child herself first. Mouse is on a journey where she needs to learn wisdom above her years...and how to forgive.
Tonight Mouse wanted mommy to take a shower with her. So, off the to the sparkly black and gold suit I went...and we both headed to the walk-in shower in our master water closet. She really didn't want a shower. She wanted to play with shower crayons, shower markers, and talk to her momma.
She apologized for being cranky this morning and not wanting to go to school. She wanted to talk more about the drowning incident, but I think it is time for her to just work on that with her therapist from here on out. I've taken her as far as I should without making impressions. Instead I changed the subject to love.
Love went along well with her apology and the creativity. I sang part of a children's song to her and asked her if she knew it and could finish it with me.
"Jesus said love everyone. Treat them kindly too. When your heart is filled with love, others will love you."
I asked her who Jesus loves. "Everyone." Who do you love? "My family." Who else do you love? "My family."
I gave her a puzzled look. Who is your family? She starts listing people...including her brother and sister who have been adopted into this other family.
I decided it was time to take another approach. We had all these lovely markers, crayons, and blank walls. They aren't here for nothin'! I said how 'bout we draw some pictures about what love looks like. She liked that idea.
Truthfully, the water closet shower is a little cramped for two...so, while she started drawing I decided to make a list. At the top I wrote: Love is
smiling, and a whole lot of other traits...including some she struggles with at times.
Mousie is learning to be creative, but it doesn't come very naturally to her right now. She started and restarted her image several times. She finally ended up with a person who represented family standing under a rainbow. The whole image had boxes around it. She traced the box structure of the shower walls.
The analyst in me is struggling very hard to leave the boxes alone. I keep trying to be empirical. Trust me, it is very hard to leave it alone. The reality of it is that the boxes could mean many things...from safety to restriction...to the fact that many of the boxes were empty. The empty boxes could mean that love meant something else in each box she can't reveal right now. It could even mean nothing at all.
She gets to free play tomorrow in the playroom. Maybe she will feel like building her world in the sand...
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