More talk and the girl with the delicate heart

I triggered a while back because I was told that my brother and his wife were thinking of relinquishing their rights to Jay to us.

The first 24 hours I was in shock and didn't feel anything even though I could identify that this was either something good or really bad.

I say this because my niece...or former niece...Hailey.

Before she was born Billy and Michelle had mom ask if Matt and I would be willing to take the baby and adopt her.

Of course I said yes. Why wouldn't I?

Well, them I don't hear anything else until the baby is born and Michelle named her Hailey Grace, the name I was planning to use for a baby girl someday.

Really, that was my fault. I was feeling rather down and she asked if she could use the name and I said yes.

Infertility has its own issues.

I was feeling very frustrated because I was worried that we would never  have children and feeling quite sorry for myself at that time, but I said yes.

So from that point on Billy and Michelle decided they were keeping the baby and I got treated like some sort of baby snatcher. It felt horrible.

You couple the way I got treated with how I was already feeling and you know I wasn't  doing well.

Honestly, this was about the time that Tori and her siblings were rescued during a welfare check where they were found absolutely alone. Poor kids!

So fast forward to a couple of days ago.

Josie calls to tell me DCS tried to do a welfare check on the baby twins at her house...where they have never lived.

Josie calls me and fills me in on the details.

I guess Billy and Michelle are working with DCS again.

DCS asked if Josie would take in Michelle and the babies.

Josie said no, but she would take the babies as a placement of last resort.

Now, I wasn't supposed to know that Billy and Michelle were thinking of relinquishing their rights...probably over concerns that I might trigger - which I did. Then it happens again since Billy and Michelle are under investigation again.

Mom said that Billy and Michelle are more seriously considering relinquishing their right Matt and myself...as long as they can check in on Facebook and watch him grow up.

We don't have a problem with their request as long as they don't try to cause trouble. Honestly, I am concerned about their sobriety impacting their ability to make wise judgments.

So, maybe we are going to adoption again?

Understandably, I want to protect my heart from being injured again.

If they change their minds, I will be devastated.

I've had this little guy since he was right at a month old.

I am the only mother he has ever known and he is so attached to me that he wouldn't let me leave the house earlier. He was upset because he'd spent a bunch of time with Matt and he just wanted me.

It's sweet, but it is also worrisome to me. I digress.

Apparently my brother said that if he had to pick someone in our family to raise his kids, it would be me.

Did he really say that? Who knows!

He knows I am kind, loving, and gentle. He knows I would do anything for my kids.

Maybe he said it, but maybe it's fiction. I guess my point is that it really doesn't matter whether it was puffing smoke or not. All that really matters is whether we will be getting a home study soon because my brother and his wife are willing to go see and attorney in North Carolina and sign to relinquish their rights to us.

Then there is likely the matter of the baby twins.

My team has already said no to taking them.

Yes, the kids are doing better than ever, but the answer is still no unless something dramatic changes.

My heart says yes, but I know my head is saying no.

You can probably understand why I didn't write about this before. Everything is so complex. It's too dramatic.

My head is seriously spinning. When you couple that with all the things I do daily, everything makes so much sense.

It's probably no wonder I am deep cleaning the kitchen and dining  room.

I clean when I am seriously stressed.

I can't believe that the house is even in this shape right now. My house in Snowflake would've never been allowed to get this messy.

Sure, it was cluttered but I vacuumed daily. I swept daily. Dirty dishes were never left in the sink unless the dishwasher was already running. Now laundry...is my nemesis. I can't say I was ever close to being caught up on laundry.

Honestly I can't help wondering if it procreates while we sleep!! lol

Anyway, my current goal is to whip this house into shape.

I don't care if I throw most of the clutter in big black trash bags or what! I am done with the mess!

Having a child who is a hoarder surely doesn't help.

I usually have to get her out of the house to clean up her room because she isn't capable...and her not being present allows me to make things mysteriously disappear without anyone questioning or taking it out of the garbage.

Anyway, I have no idea why my kids tear up the house anew every day, but I am truly over it.

Speaking of Tori, she's home from camp. She had a terrible time because it was so hot and she got an ear infection.

Hearing her report broke my heart because I was hoping that she would make some new close friends at camp, like I did!

One year I ended up in a tent with a broken zipper. Well, we were in the middle of a heatwave and by bed time the tent was filled with mosquitoes and giant horse flies.

I had made friends with the girls in the Millington ward and the invited me to come stay with them for the duration of camp - which I did! These girls became good friends and even came into Memphis for my sweet sixteenth birthday party.

I wish camp and school would do the things for Tori that it did for me. Instead, the nurse ended up coming down to get her an expired asthma inhaler...while I worked on getting her a new updated script.

Today I just felt defeated.

Sometimes everything just gets to be so much that it rolls me over. Add the not feeling well and my lower back has been really bothering me for at least the past month and I just felt like nothing is ever going to change or get better.

I know that's a lie, but it can be very convincing at times...especially when I have strong emotional fatigue...like right now.

Matt has been being more attentive to me as well. I'm honestly not sure how that happened, but it does make me feel better about our relationship.

He bought me my own pizza even though I told him I would eat whatever he chose.

He made me breakfast in bed.

I guess I worry that he'll forget I am here again and I will go back to not even being an afterthought.

Courtney assured me that what we are going through is normal today. She's a counselor so she'd know.

I have to admit that she definitely made me feel better about things, but I realize that I need to create my own happiness. That's why I want to go back to school.

I am one of those weirdos who loves to work in a field that is both challenging and engaging.

I can't tell you how many times I've been told I should go to medical school because I'd make a great doctor. The truth is that sick people make me sick...and I like people, but not enough to have clinic hours. The only doctor I'd honestly consider becoming is a PhD, but even that is jumping the gun when you consider I haven't finished my BS yet,

I seriously don't feel my best unless I am able to shine. I feel best when I am kicking ass and taking names! Seriously! You should see me in my true element. So many people would be absolutely amazed because it doesn't seem to fit, but it really does.

I wish I could go back to work, but I am not putting in to go back to Ogden.

The pay is good, but it would mean my family and marriage would completely fall apart. It just isn't worth it.

If I wanted to escape my life, I would probably insist on putting in for that job.

I've had a lot to say today. Some which perhaps I should've left silent, but I need to let it go somewhere.

I'm trying so hard to trust that God has this because I know I don't. I don't have any of it.

I just keep trying to take it one day at a time, one foot in front of the other.

I guess time is the only thing which will answer my burning questions.

I could write more, but I probably shouldn't. Well, it's late and Jay already stole my spot on the bed, Guess that means I cab sleep in Dan't bed or the love seat. Joy!

If anyone else is still up or even reads this...sweet dreams!