I got a real eye opener the other night at work

This lady came through my line. She was about twenty years older than I am. Pretty and well groomed.

She declared she was there because she didn't want to go home. She listed all these reasons: he's cheap because he's Greek, she likes to spend money but he doesn't, he'll just fuss at her for spending more money, etc...

Then she follows it up by saying he's really not that bad...but clearly she really would do anything to not go home. Even go night owl shopping at Walmart.

In that moment I knew I was looking at myself in another twenty years if things continue as they are.

There are things in my relationship with myself I need to fix. There are things in my relationship with Matt that we need to work on. The list is extensive and daunting.

I got some bad news when I went to see Dr. Johnson the other day.

I am losing my hearing.

Yeah, seriously. Just slap a couple of hearing aids in my ears to keep me from ever dreaming of becoming "normal."

Rather than being fitted for hearing aids now, I opted to wait six months and be tested again.

So, if I ask you to repeat yourself a zillion times, please be charitable in your thoughts about me.

Sometimes I wonder if it is all worth the struggle, but the reality is that I would hate to make life harder for the people I love. And yet, where do I actually fit in the equation?

Going back to work has made Matt and Tori realize how much I actually do for them.

Now Tori tells me she loves me all the time and even texts it to me.

I am less accessible.

Matt has realized how much he really struggles with the kids.

I could really use a nanny, but it definitely isn't  in our budget. Or at least twenty clones of myself.

I am 44 and pretty much all I can say for myself is I have adopted two wonderful kids and married a great man.

Unfortunately, he doesn't seem to see me.

Sure, I can blame it on changes from his strokes...but I really am not sure what created these changes.

It didn't used to be like this.

Only recently he has noticed that we never get the time to talk. I told him that it has been like this for years. I guess I was too accessible so he never noticed.

I spend a lot of time talking to God lately.

I don't know any of the answers and I probably ask the wrong questions, but I am failing while trying my hardest.

I don't want to be sick anymore. I don't want to feel unsuccessful in life because I always get so sick and end up in some surgery or another. Being sick feels like a cop out, but maybe I just don't want anything as badly as I think I do because I can never seem to work through the pain.

I suffer.

Work is kind of a mask where I can pretend everything is just fine...life is wonderful and I don't have to think about everything that isn't perfect or even tolerable in my life.

I really do feel like this, but I am certain my emotions are amplified by fatigue.

I'm late for bed.

Good night.