I feel so torn

I don't know how to explain it, but I want to write, but I don't want to write.

Much is going on, as usual.

Today was Jay's birthday.

We worked on getting him registered for head start.

Our IEP meeting is a week from, well, yesterday.

Mom took Matt, Jay, and I to lunch at Denny's.

Tomorrow we will throw Jay his birthday party over at Willow Pond Park.

I haven't heard for sure, but I am pretty sure I didn't get that job I interviewed for.

The recruiter has yet to call me back...and I expect she won't want to call back.

My experience makes me expensive, if you plan on paying me based on what I really deserve.

I am still looking because something's gotta work out, right?

I am excited that Jay is starting school.

I think I have been going stir-crazy at home for at least the past two years.

Don't get me wrong. I love my babies, but I think I really need less time with them.

Radical acceptance is hard. As Shellie put it, exactly where is the line between radical acceptance and personal boundaries?

I don't know the answer. I'm trying hard to accept what I cannot change, but it is so hard for me.

Jennifer and I have talked about this many times.

The other day she told me she knew she was going to say what I don't want to hear.

Honestly, I need to hear it and told her so. I need her honesty.

My heart really hurts most of the time. Not literally, but figuratively and I feel completely powerless to do anything about it because I'm not the problem...or maybe I really am.

The only person I have any control over is me...and that currently leaves me in a role I would've never imagined for myself.

I've tried my hardest to make wise choices, but I swear I always seem to fall short.

Don't worry. I am way to stubborn to quit trying to pursue my purpose in life, but sometimes I wish the path were easier and more direct.

I just really don't know what to say. I guess this is it for now.

Good night.

I've got the try to keep my feet on the ground and my head out of the clouds.