There is actually a post from the 27th I might share eventually.
I have lots of thoughts and images saved in the pictures on my phone.
Maybe I will share them eventually, but not today.
Friday I interviewed with Coram, a specialty pharmacy for CVS.
They are looking for a pharmacy Clerk and like the idea that I am willing to become a tech.
Stop my nerdy heart from overloading because they literally compound everything in house.
In fact, one of my duties would be to help keep the cleanroom clean.
They liked me and I liked them. Maybe this will work out for both of us?
I’m sure praying it will.
I also failed to write about Matt’s cognitive testing.
Now they think he had two mini-strokes instead of one.
I took the news so badly that I went to bed early.
I was completely drained.
Going back to work will help me feel safer. Right now, especially considering Matt’s health, I don’t feel safe.
I have been in survival mode for years at this point.
I lost myself trying to cope with my reality.
I am grateful to have been woken from my slumber.
My survival mode was on autopilot because every time I tried to change my world, I was failing miserably.
I’ve been trying to close the open circuit for months now. Possibly more than a year, if I am completely honest.
Trying to decide what to be when I grow up has been one of the hardest endeavors of my life.
I guess I should’ve realized pharmacy was a good match years ago.
All the homeopathy knowledge I have gained and used over the years. The new branch president of the Hooper Singles Branch talking about how he’s more comfortable giving a lecture on using vancomycin in NICU instead of speaking to us...and afterwards my question was why would you give vancomycin to infants.
I wish I’d noticed years ago. Back when Amani switched from Chemistry to Pharmacy would’ve been ideal, but then I wouldn’t have my babies.
Ironically, Cary and I might’ve still been together if I had made that change because I wouldn’t have had time to want to have a baby.
I mostly had myself convinced I could live with a little dog instead of kids.
C’est la vie!
Looking back isn’t 20/20. It is myopic at best! Besides, we needed a divorce because I was never going to be happy married to someone that selfish who never stuck up for me with his family.
What is it with me and non-confrontational men?
You’d think I’d learn that I have to have my own back by now.
I guess that’s what I get for not wanting someone aggressive. I go to the extreme opposite of the spectrum.
Today I have had lots of thoughts.
I dropped my resumé off at the Walmart pharmacy, even though Matt didn’t want me to.
I just don’t feel comfortable leaving all my eggs in one basket .
This is about me trying to safeguard my world.
There has honestly never been anyone in my life I could completely depends on so I make a really terrible dependent.
I actually understand my kids a lot better than they realize.
That’s why our sister tattoo says “It’s been...” We all understand this far better than any of us would like to admit.
I can’t believe I actually think I might really want to get a real tattoo.
Honestly, I have wanted a “;” forever.
If you know me well, you likely know why.
Surprisingly, I have found yet another tattoo I like.
It’s an ankle tattoo of the sun, moon, stars, and Saturn.
It’s a micro tattoo and very cute!
I could even leave Saturn off it.
I can’t believe I actually want three tattoos! This is soooo not like me...or maybe it really is me and I’ve just been neglecting myself for a very long time.
I’m not really sure.
The one thing I do know is that I don’t feel safe and I am not happy.
It really doesn’t matter how many times I tell Matt this if he continues to choose not to do anything about it. I can’t control him and I have no right to want to control him.
The only person I have any control over is me.
Deciding to take the leap and get a job is part of me reclaiming my own identity and find my joy in life again.
I have almost always enjoyed working...because I shine when I work.
I always get lots of praise and awards. Working makes me feel good about myself and guarantees me the ability to take care of my family should I need to.
Well, I guess that’s it for now.
Good night!
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