Yes, there is mercy!

I do not have shingles. I do have hives yet again.

At this point the allergist considers them to be chronic.

We upped Breo, Zyrtec, and ranitidine.

Then I got the call that my potassium was very low.

I call mom and she’s freaking out, which wasn’t helping me, but then I find out Miss Mouse is lying to me about people in her life. 😔

She somehow believes I have all these unrealistic expectations for her and her life. The truth is I don’t. I just really want her to grow up to be a good person. That’s it.

Good and happy.

She screamed at me so much that I had to get out to clear my head and listen to music.

It didn’t help that I got a call from the pharmacy to make sure Tori wasn’t pregnant before filling her new birth control script.

No, she’s not pregnant. She’s not sexually active.

Her cycle isn’t regulating out with the current dose.

Today Tori came and told me why they changed her pills.

She was pretty shocked to find out the pharmacy called because insurance required them to ask if she was pregnant.

Today I met her new friend, Dani.

Tori went to her house today and just didn’t have fun.

Tori actually found her vulgar and immature because she talked obsessively about poop.

I pointed out that maybe Dani was just nervous and didn’t know what to talk about.

Tori said she’d give her the benefit of the doubt, but she realizes she use to getting more stimulating conversation at home.

I found out I passed my background check for Walmart today.

Jason, the manager who interviewed me, told me he was going to hire me that day.

Now I feel a little weird because I’ve been hired and passed my background check, but officially no offer has been made yet.

It feels really strange to me.

I found out why Coram decided not to hire me.

Not because they told me.

They completely rewrote the job description.

Apparently they didn’t think I took them seriously enough. They want someone who will be willing to stay in that position for the next twenty years...and honestly, that isn’t me.

I couldn’t be that unambitious if my life depended on it. So, yeah. I wasn’t a good match for their expectations.

I actually fit their skill set requirements perfectly even with the rewrite.

Go figure. Well, it is just as well.

Clearly I wouldn’t be happy there.

Today I met with Emily.

We talked about a lot of stuff.

Afterwards I thought through everything we discussed and it made me have second thoughts about the wisdom in working for Walmart, especially in the pharmacy.

Yes, it is where I think I want to be, even still, but it really made me think about it.

I am careful with my boundaries and do my best to keep them safe and firm, but why tempt fate?

I need to get an official application in to University Pharmacy and soon.

Time is just not my friend.

Today we also had Jay’s IEP meeting. He has an IEP for speech and adaptive skills.

He starts school on Tuesday.

I need to get his last physical and lactose intolerance paperwork filled out for Head Start so we can get him in class for potentially more hours, as needed for me to work.

Emily and I talked about things with Matt and I.

It is still the same old quandary I have been struggling with for the past two years.

Not much ever changes around here and feeling lonely because he’s more neuroatypical than he was before is very hard for me.

He didn’t used to be like this at all. He was kind and attentive.

Now he doesn’t even realize he pays little to no attention at all to me.

I have to initiate pretty much anything affectionate or he’d never even show any interest in me.

It makes me sad. Especially when I realize this is something he doesn’t appear to have the ability to change.

As jaded as I may be, I still believe in love.

These days I seem to understand more about how love hurts than how it is beautiful or fulfilling.

Honestly, maybe I would’ve stuck with my original plan to never marry if I had realized life would be this hard.

Perhaps feeling unlovable and being alone is better than feeling unloved, but not alone.

I love Matt and the kids, but I am not happy.

I keep trying to do everything I can to work on me and make my own happiness, but at the end of the day I always remember how alone I feel.

Maybe working and getting back in school would help me become happier than I am now.

I am not unhappy when I am alone. I am honestly just very busy doing things for everyone else.

I just don’t feel like a priority to others in my life.

I feel torn.